


none to show the one i love (deny deny denial)

by couldntdieanyslower



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cheating, F/M, How Do I Tag, Hurt, M/M, Post-Hiatus, Trench Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 04:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19266169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couldntdieanyslower/pseuds/couldntdieanyslower
Summary: josh is breaking right in front of him and he wont look at him. josh is dangerous, josh is contagious, josh is everything he ever needed and everything he cant have.





	none to show the one i love (deny deny denial)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in school in 3 hours, and as i currently dont have access to a computer i dont feel like editing it. i might when i get to one.  
> english isnt my first language so there might be errors. hope you enjoy!!

he missed this terribly. yes, there were moments late at night when he thought about returning to the stage and it made a sense of dread stir inside of his chest. but as he wipes the sweat off of his forehead in front of hundreds of screaming fans, he realises he couldnt breathe without this.

and he couldnt breathe without josh either, his mind reminds him as they make it into their dressing room, thirsty and blissfully exhausted.

josh throws himself onto the sofa, cringing at the feeling of sweaty skin on leather. tyler lets out a happy sigh as he finally gets some water into his drained system, throws the bottle at josh once he has enough. josh catches it with a breathy thanks and tyler tries to think nothing of it when he pointedly licks his lips after sipping from it.

he cant help but think the air shifted a little after that. he cant help sitting a little too close to josh either. cant help the way it makes him feel when their thights press together and josh tips his head back with a sigh. cant fucking help the desire to lick the sweat off of his neck that sets itself on fire inside of him.

he focuses on staring at the floor and his mind starts racing, the behinds of his eyes turn black. in the back of his consciousness he thinks about all the times he thought about josh and it didnt feel right because it didnt feel platonic. about all the eyecontacts they shared that made his heart beat way too fast. he briefly thinks about the fact hes married and that jenna is still at home, getting ready to join them on tour. 

he doesnt linger on that particular thought long enough for it to stop him from turning his attention back to josh only to find his focus on himself already. had he paint the picture of his wife in his head right then, if he saw her breathtakingly blue eyes behind his own a moment prior, he would never even consider meeting josh halfway, sealing their mouths with far too much eagerness.

it lasts too long and not long enough before he jumps back as if joshs lips had spikes and knives and flames and chemicals on them. he stares at josh and josh stares back with a terrified expression.

a second later he bolts. and tyler jumps up and catches his wrist right before he can open the door. josh yelps because tylers grip is iron-like and tyler hates that he looks like a cornered animal with a shotgun aimed between its eyes. he feels the need to make him feel better and for rather the worse, his mind suggests that maybe kissing him will do that.

and so he does, he presses him against the door and kisses him with everything he has, except the rational part of his mind.

he grips the back of his neck and josh gasps into his mouth and tylers tongue takes it as an invitation. josh feels like a statue against him, breathless and kind of cold. but his lips are velvet and so soft and like no other lips hes ever kissed and he wants to cry because he doesnt need to kiss any other lips ever again.

then he feels warm liquid on the thumb caressing joshs cheek and it sets his own tears off. he doesnt want to, cant afford to admit to himself that he feels at home. that he feels like hes found something long long lost.

his knees suddenly become too weak to hold his weight and he falls onto his knees, dragging josh with him without disconnecting them. 

he doesnt know when did josh climb on top of him and settled himself on his hips and doesnt know why he grips joshs hips and puts all his strength into flipping them over and doesnt know why this feels like its all hes ever wanted.

he has no idea how hes ever going to look jenna in the eyes again.

jenna. jenna, his wife, waiting for him at home, texting him every day just how much she misses him. his wife. hes married. hes on top of his best friend on the floor of a dressing room, kissing him as if his life depends on it, as if his lungs are being filled with the air josh breathes.

he tears himself off of josh once again and thinks that his lips must surely be soaked in some kind of a chemical. some addictive, lethal kind.

he backs himself against the wall and hugs his knees.

before he can stop it hes crying, sobbing so hard it shakes him to the core. he wishes he could take back all those years of lying to himself, to everyone around him. he wishes that denial wasnt all hes ever shown josh. he wishes he never met jenna and never fell for her. he wishes he never met josh and never fell for him even deeper.

he thinks for a moment that maybe these things arent so hopelessly complicated. people divorce all the time, people fall in and out of love and break apart. but he isnt just a person. hes famous and he feels like hes under a microscope at all times. if he divorced his wife because of his very own band mate, the world, his world, would explode. it would crumble and fall onto his shoulders and he would break.

he needs to really think about what would break him more, getting or not getting a divorce.

oh but god hes so selfish. so so sososo selfish. he shouldnt think about himself. both scenarios contain a person he loves getting terribly hurt, all because of him. because hes selfish and confused and incapable of taking control over his feelings. and hes so lost, so out of possible resolutions.

and josh is breaking right in front of him and he wont look at him. he cant make himself look at him. josh is dangerous, josh is contagious, josh is everything he ever needed and everything he cant have and he finds himself so fucking in love with him, so fucking mad at him.

hes sure it takes a eternity for him to finally stop sobbing and once he does it becomes awfully quiet. it makes him finally look up, open his eyes, only to see josh mirroring his position, pressing his hand over his mouth, eyes wide.

and he knows way too well what this means, what is happening inside of josh. he knows hes trying his hardest to not cry because he hates being vulnerable. he knows hes an inch away from a panic attack. he knows him too well. he also knows hes the cause. and he hates himself so much. 

he says joshs name, so quietly, as if hes scared someone will hear him. josh is the only one who hears and it sends him taking that last step, sends him falling right off the edge.

he starts sobbing, shaking so hard tyler is afraid it will break his bones. 

he crawls to josh, presses himself into his side and wraps his arms around him. it makes josh shake even harder but he isnt willing to let him go. he buries his face into his shoulder instead and thinks, thinks so hard he can feel his brain boiling, thinks of a way to fix everything.

out of the corner of his eye he sees the clock and thinks about how a half an hour ago everything was okay. they were okay. his marriage was okay. and now everything seems like its burning down, a thunderstorm, a hurricane neither of them can run from.

it feels like one more eternity, the amount of time it takes for josh to catch his breath. and then hes shrugging tyler off and standing up, wiping his eyes and besides his face being painted red he looks like nothing ever happened. tyler stands up as well, looks right into joshs soul. he sees nothing there.

"im married." he says, maybe rather to remind himself more than anything, and steps an inch closer, "im sorry, josh."

"i know." is the reply, his voice perfectly stable and content. theres a fraction of a smile on his face, "its too late. its okay."

and all tyler can do is hope that it is okay, that it will ever be okay again, as he watches josh turn around and leave.


End file.
